Bloodsucking Bastards

Generally speaking, I’m a fan of vampire films.

Sure, there are some that are downright awful (usually because their vampire protagonists or antagonists are kind of lame), but usually, even the mediocre ones have some amount of fun in them.

And the ones that are good… can be amazing in a few different ways.

Bloodsucking Bastards is a vampire movie you kind of have to warm up to. But if you just accept it for the fun blend of vampire flick and office comedy that it is, it ends up being a lot of fun. Campy fun, at that.

The Plot

Evan (played by Fran Kranz, from Cabin in the Woods and Dollhouse, among other things) works in the sales department of a telemarketing company. Well, “works” is kind of a loose description. He’s the interim sales manager, but his entire team of screw ups doesn’t actually seem to sell anything, let alone help him with the big presentation that needs to be done by Friday.

Oh, and he just had a falling out with his girlfriend, Mandy (Emma Fitzpatrick), who also happens to be the head of HR at the company.

And, of course, there’s the super slacker friend, Tim (Joey Kern), who somehow manages to keep his job despite doing less than nothing.

Everything starts to go to hell when the boss brings in a new sales manager, Max (Pedro Pascal from Game of Thrones and the upcoming Mandalorian series) who has a unique plan for increasing team performance.

“God this company sucks!”

Before all the bloodsucking kicks in, this move plays like a standard office comedy. Evan is the one guy who actually wants to try to be successful, but also doesn’t know how to wrangle his slacker friends and co-workers into a useful team. Toss in the intra-office relationship humor of him and Mandy and you’d likely have a good enough movie in it self.

But then Max shows up and weird things start to happen. People die. Messily. And then the bodies vanish. Personalities change. People start… working.

By the time Evan has figured out the problem is a vampire infestation, the stage is set for a good ol’ “come from behind slacker hero” story. But even that gets peppered with bad inspirational business speak… and some pretty sharp commentary on the typical work environment for low-end office jobs.

At one point, after realizing that a) it’s daytime and b) the vampires don’t seem to be having any problem with that, Evan wonders how that’s possible. Frank (the totally over-the-top security guard played by Marshall Givens) points out that there aren’t a lot of windows, so there’s not really any sunlight that gets into the building, making it perfect for vampires. Evan’s response? “God this company sucks!”

There’s blood. Ridiculous amounts of blood. Because vampires explode when you kill them. And, despite the odds, Evan, Mandy, Tim, and Frank do kill a lot of them. Every bit of the battle is amusing in some way.

The Verdict

While not exactly a masterful work of art, Bloodsucking Bastards is entertaining on the regular and downright clever every now and then. All the performances are the proper level of over-the-top, especially Pascal when he goes full scenery chewing villain (that’s not a spoiler… if you can’t tell when he shows up that he’s the bad guy, you haven’t watched any movies, ever… there’s nothing all that subtle about the plot here).

Definitely add this one to your fun vampire movie list. Could make a good double feature with Sundown (one of my personal favorites).

Granted, if you prefer more serious vampire fare–or the sparkly kind of romance vampires–then you really should look elsewhere. There’s little you’d like here aside from a passing reference or two.